Being able to see one’s own weakness is an important part of self-awareness. Having taken some time to think about the friendships that I have had over my life, it has become painfully clear to me that I have not been a very good friend. When a friendship starts, one is quite diligent about keeping in contact. One will send a text message or another type of message or make a phone call to see how the other person is doing. One takes an interest in the everyday occurrences of their friend. They want to know if their boss is a jerk or if their co-worker is not treating them with respect. Often times, one will try to share some of their hobbies or interests in an effort to become closer to this new friend. Over time, with the ebb and flow of life, friends will come and go, work friends will leave the company and get another job or they will start a family and move to the suburbs. The true test of a friendship is when the distance increases. If one is able to continue to be close to their friends even with an increase in the distance between them, they have a true relationship. However, if the friendship dies or wanes, it was never a strong relationship.
I have undertaken some forms of reflection and have determined that when the friendship starts to fade, I do little to keep it going. Perhaps this stems from the fact that I never formed true relationships with others, even as a child. I may have always been a little too independent or perhaps, I have not realized the need to have a true and deep relationship. I tend to keep things to myself and share very little outside of short answers to very direct questions. It is not a trait that I am extremely proud of and it has a lot to do with the fact that my father was not very good at discussing much of anything outside of hunting, fishing and the weather. I learned that to be a man was to be strong and silent. To be fair, my father learned it from his father, as well. So, I am trying to break the cycle and in doing some introspection, I have decided to be a little more forthcoming with information. Opening up to others means that you trust them with your feelings and thoughts. It helps to deepen the relationship past your favorite color, food, sports team, etc.
I have not done enough to warrant a long-term friendship. I have kept my feelings bottled up and rarely give advice without major qualifying statements. If the distance starts to grow, either physically or emotionally, I back off until there is no relationship at all. I can come up with a variety of excuses as to why the relationship floundered but in the end it is all on me. So, I have made numerous attempts to share my feelings and thoughts with those who are close to me as well as those who are not so close, physically speaking. I have been somewhat successful and have been rebuffed a few times as well. It is a learning experience as I have made decisions on what to tell and what not to tell to certain friends.
I am truly sorry for not being a good friend in the past and I hope to make amends by being a better friend to those people in my life, today.
El Pescado 